The Hair Down There

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK. “There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.”

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair – ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

(From various sources online, although I can sympathise with this, once shaving my ass when I was about 16…itchiness straight from hell, I shall never do it again).

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34 Responses to The Hair Down There

  1. Andreas February 13, 2006 at 11:00 am #

    Even so I had to smile reading your story (besides the more gross parts), I realise that you are not living in the WoW part of your action. Thanks for sharing, and hey, may be it is time to take some sick leave? Imagine the smell that is left behind you when you walk??? Dogs might be happy (as indicated in your entry), but what about those that walk behind you and up the stairs? Imagine how your reputation drops?

    What about using water to wipe off to do your business? sounds like a cleaner and less troublesome “procedure” to me 🙂

  2. kimberlycun February 13, 2006 at 11:02 am #

    just admit it, it was you. eww festering ass eww

  3. Fireangel February 13, 2006 at 11:20 am #

    WTF?!?!?! I WAS HUNGRY B4 I READ YOUR SHIT. NOW I’M NOT!!!!!!!!11111

  4. smooth February 13, 2006 at 12:29 pm #

    muahaha…u can choose to trim rather than shaving it…ur buttcheek gonna itch more when hair grow back…lol

  5. Chris Chong February 13, 2006 at 1:20 pm #

    Look, can you stick to pastries, cakes and Char Kuey Teow and other stuff like that.

    At least that gets me hungry before lunch.

    Now, I’ve got this really horrid mental image lingering in the back of my head.

    Even the occasional chun-chick crack sends shivers down my spine now…

  6. peaso kid February 13, 2006 at 1:45 pm #

    hahaha this has to be the most funniest yet disgusting thing i have ever read but thanks for do the daring deed for all of us and telling us the hell we would be in for but still…lol

  7. simmie February 13, 2006 at 1:54 pm #

    Lingering loaf? hahahahahahaha

  8. Din February 13, 2006 at 2:03 pm #

    “I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks”

  9. Wingz February 13, 2006 at 2:13 pm #

    hahahahahaha … i dint know asshair can be so funny!!!

  10. Mate February 13, 2006 at 2:19 pm #

    Stop laughing and teasing! It’s a painful experience which you’ll laugh(& cry) at when you’re going through it.

    I had (still has) similar problem since I’m young. Being an overweight person, this place tends to sweat and heat up a lot, thus causing ichness. Things get worst when you scratch on it. Therefore, remember never do so.

    Try to apply some (don’t overdo) medicated power like elken. It’ll ease up things a bit.

    Well, at the same time, you might want to wear your underwear into the crack. It’ll suck up some of the sweat and reduce the friction between the cheek.

    Good luck mate!!

  11. julianME February 13, 2006 at 2:31 pm #

    Ouch.. just ouch. >.

  12. spiller February 13, 2006 at 2:43 pm #

    at least now u’d enjoy anal-fuck 😛

  13. doc February 13, 2006 at 3:39 pm #

    Dude, next time, pluck them instead.

  14. wolfx February 13, 2006 at 4:09 pm #

    Aww….and i already had a mental image of current shaolin tiger with sweat/shit problems.

    I can’t stop laughing in the office. Now that i found out it wasn’t you, its not that funny no more. 😛

  15. lionel February 13, 2006 at 4:47 pm #

    I did not read all that! I did not read all that!

    That’s it. Start censoring the internet now.

  16. Mossie`Ol Chin February 13, 2006 at 4:55 pm #

    *burst out laughing*

  17. KY February 13, 2006 at 5:16 pm #

    shit is horrible.

  18. michaelooi February 13, 2006 at 5:22 pm #

    if you’ve been following my blog, you should already know that it’s important. Every part of our body has it’s use, well… except for ‘the skin’, if you know what i mean…

    hover over to this article, you’ll gain that ounce of knowledge about hairs —> http://www.michaelooi.net/archives/2005/08/crazy_hairs.html

  19. eddyhan February 13, 2006 at 7:48 pm #

    DO YOU BELIEVE IN HAIR CONDITIONERS?!?

    OMG OMG! EEEWWWW!

  20. skyflakes February 13, 2006 at 8:07 pm #

    Mmm.. just what every girl needs for a valentines day read. Great way to lose weight too i might add. Thanks.

  21. Yan February 13, 2006 at 8:33 pm #

    I can’t believe what I just read.

    P/s: My boyfriend has bumfluff too… Plenty actually. If he upsets me anytime soon, I know what I’ll be doing as a revenge. Nyeh.

  22. GhOsT February 13, 2006 at 11:45 pm #

    Yucksss…..

    Hahaha…

  23. junioruser February 14, 2006 at 4:44 am #

    Gross but interesting entry. Sympathise with your situation. Hope you are dealing better each day!

  24. Kuzco February 14, 2006 at 5:07 am #

    Now you can be a pornstar!

    It was you right? RIGHT? hahaha

  25. jia February 14, 2006 at 5:10 am #

    eewww.. this is damn gross! but pretty entertaining! =)

  26. tigerjoe February 14, 2006 at 3:28 pm #

    This is why I gor for a waxing instead. 😛

  27. Bone February 14, 2006 at 7:05 pm #

    HAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA HAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA !

    fug you G!! good luck with Skid marks!

  28. ChowFC February 15, 2006 at 12:00 am #

    It could be worse; not having a firm seating on the toilet seat…….

  29. lex February 15, 2006 at 11:50 am #

    oh, i had this problem too but i shaved the front n the cat. then i started getting burns there. and i thought i was just fat. now i know the hair is there for a reason. thanks

  30. balls October 30, 2006 at 10:17 am #

    funny but so true i had that same problem its really sucks

  31. Jonathan Blue August 1, 2007 at 4:53 am #

    Thank you for the advices, I have the same problem with hairs, but now i will think shaving twice.

  32. wisteria April 12, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

    Tumble upon this by chance.. really make me laugh! Much needed laughter.. after slaving whole day in between four walls!

  33. Dinsy July 30, 2011 at 1:05 am #

    Bro, 2-words that will change your life: baby wipes. Trust me.

  34. ShaolinTiger July 30, 2011 at 1:11 am #

    Dinsy: Hahaha waddup bro, already discovered that recently. Even better when chilled in the fridge! It’s a little slice of sphincter heaven.