Archive | November, 2010

One day not very long ago (Last Sunday) in a universe very similar to this one, there was a young (well not so young any more..) man wondering around Mid Valley & Gardens.

He had just had a rather sumptuous lunch at Sushi Zanmai with his girlfriend and was browsing the fairly epic beer selection in the Cold Storage alcohol section. Whilst perusing some tasty beverages he felt the sudden warm wet swelling shooting down his ass-pipe that signaled it was imminently going to explode into his underpants.

“Blarghgh wahhhhhhhhhhh” was probably what he sounded like when he motioned to his gf that he need to go to the toilet…rather quickly. He then dashed upstairs to find himself confronted with the ‘premium toilet’ which cost the rather princely sum of RM5 to enter.

Faced with the quandary of continuing up another floor to use the free, possibly busy, possibly dirty, possibly lacking toilet paper lavatory or to pay up the RM5 and use the premium facilities. Of course tossed RM5 to the guy at the counter and rapidly shuffled into the WC.

You know what I mean by shuffled right? When you’re faced with the uncertainty of a recent fart having a possible wet consequence – so you keep your butt checks squeezed together tighter than Kim Kardashian’s best friends in a push up bra.

After a reasonably explosive incident in the toilet, and a good read of Twitter…the not so young man ventured out feeling much better and oh how he wished the story ended there. After all living in the country we do and eating the various types of nonsense we eat, it’s very normal to have the odd bout of lau sai/cirit birit/diarrhea.

But sadly, this turned out to be much much worse than that.

After heading home the hershey chocolate sauce continued to flow, and it just got worse. I think there are various stages of diarrhea – something like this:

1) Part Solid & Part a little bit soft with a touch of gas (very mild)
2) A little bit solid with more softage (mild)
3) Mostly soft (mild-medium)
4) More liquidy with a bit of backsplash (medium)
5) Totally liquid with a good squirt of gas to spray it out (medium-bad)
6) Totally liquid and sprays out like you’re peeing from your arse (bad)
7) Unknown volcanic substance that sprays out with such ferocity you can feel the backsplash and it coats the underside of the seat (apocalyptic)

He started off straight at about stage 5, after reaching home he was at a constant 7 – which rather disrupted his viewing of Crank with his gf.

At this point, the poor fella also started feeling nauseous…which is a bad sign as it means there’s something really toxic in your stomach and it’s mostly likely trying to find its way out. After completing the movie, he went to the toilet to vomit.

He vomited.

He still felt like dying and sadly still felt nauseous, the first round puking was mostly liquid (100+ to be specific, the classic Malaysian medicine for a bad stomach) and some random orange stuff.

In-between vomiting and spraying toxic liquid from his butt his tried to get some rest on the sofa. After about 20-minutes he starting feeling MUCH more naseous, which is bad as if there’s one thing this fella really hates in this World – it’s puking. He hates it with a vengeance.

But he was still ok lying down on the sofa, although he was feeling rather cold and shivering…but at the same time having some kinda clammy sweats. Not very pleasant to be honest.

Another 5 minutes past and a rapid fire succession of burps starting flying up through his esophagus….this is a warning sign for an impending technicolor yawn.

Throwing off his blanket, vaulting off the sofa and sprinting to the bathroom he just made it to the bathroom door before the projectile vomit starting spewing from his mouth – it hammered against the shower door before he managed to get into the ‘praying to the porcelain god’ position.

It wasn’t a pretty sight, with undigested peaces of seaweed from the soft-shelled crab temaki he’d eaten just a few hours before – which could well have been the culprit for the whole incident..or not.

And well that was just the first wave, it was relentless like being punched in the stomach by Brock Lesnar over and over again.

And it just kept coming, and coming and coming and coming and well you get the picture.

The force was so intense and violent that it ended up rupturing the blood vessels in his nose and rendering him with bloodshot eyes.

After that epic spew, he did indeed feel better..but exhausted – man that surely does knock the wind out of you.

There was a few more dribbly deposits, then a session of passing out around 2am only to awake again at 6am to expel more ass-spew – then fitful sleep again for the rest of the day.

Upon waking it was time to adopt the strict healing regime – charcoal pills, oral re-hydration salts, 100+ and perhaps if the desire arose some plain bread buns.

By evening time, things were looking better – a good shower, a little bread and plenty of fluids make a man feel a whole lot better. The lack of food certainly is tiring though and the rest of that day and the next were spent resting and eating a single lonesome McDonald’s Bubur Ayam.

The following days diet was similar; charcoal pills, 100+ mixed with water and bread – oh and the joy – it was a public holiday. Holidays of course are meant for consuming epic quantities of awesome food.

But not for this poor chap.

And then it was Thursday and back to work.

The End.