Archive | 2004

Being here has given me a lot of time for contemplating my life and self discovery, in a way I’ve worked out it’s actually a good thing, kind of a revelation I guess.

The problem is when you are ‘home’ or in a familiar place, when you feel down, depressed or a little lacking in sunshine you go out, find your friends, find something to do and avoid the feelings, replace them with happy feelings. For most cases this is fine…but when the depressing or bad feelings are caused by a more serious root problem you really can’t afford to keep avoiding it.

Here I didn’t have those options, so just sat on the step a lot of time, smoking and thinking, exploring myself, something like self-discovery..I think this is an important activity for everyone, I guess some people would classify it as meditation..Looking inside rather than out, exploring yourself rather than blaming others, you have to beat your own devils before you can take on the world. It’s important for everyone to truly understandand and love themselves, be at peace, know what makes you tick, what you desire and what it is exactly that is making you feel bad about yourself. Don’t just avoid it as it will only get stronger.

Something like fighting those inner devils, we all have them, some times they are bigger than others, sometimes they are just passing ripples of something unimportant, sometimes they are ripples caused by something bigger and deeper…self doubt, self hate, self blame. Don’t let such things consume you, address them, work them out, face thy devil..

As I always tell everyone, communication is always the key, in relationships, at work and with friends. I am blessed, I can communicate. This post is about communication too, but in a way most people don’t consider, learning to communicate with yourself. I guess for women it’s not so bad, but a lot of guys are not in touch with their own feelings and they end up getting all fucked inside and being bastards…or getting horribly depressed and doing terrible things..just from what I’ve seen anyway.

I guess the lesson for today is, be there a problem at work, in your relationship or with yourself…deal with it, face it and own it. Don’t let it dictate how you life your life, problems are obstacles to be conquered, not issues to be avoided as this just feeds them and causes them to swell…like an ice berg, 1/6th of the problem could be above the surface…the rest you have to explore yourself. Don’t be afraid to open up bigger issues, as they need to be addressed too.

Anyway hope you don’t feel like I am preaching or something…just wanted to express what I have to say 🙂 Hope it’s understood..

Other than that things have been normal here, am sitting here in Coffee Bean, Gadong having a Black Forest ice blended mocha. We held a Capture the Flag type of hacking competition yesterday which was fun. My students did pretty well, so I guess perhaps they learnt something after all 🙂

Half day today as they are rehearsing for the Raya celebration tonight, so I am here doing some marking and preparing for the Colombo assignment!

Looks like I’ll be off to Colombo December 11th, 6 days a week, 21 working days…so gonna JUST miss NYE by the looks of it.

Oh well!

Back to KL soon anyway, really looking forward to it and getting excited about arriving back already.

Cooked some bizarre psuedo-Indian Mediteranean vegetable thing last night, I didn’t take pics as it didn’t look so good, but it tasted pretty fine. I manage ok, give me any number of weird items and I’ll concoct something edible (some other people have this talent too I guess).

Anyway got some mails to reply, so laters!

Ok…well I haven’t really written anything serious on this blog yet, I mean there are 2-3 posts I think so far in very general terms..this one will be a lot more personal and probably a lot more disjointed. Be warned, it’s likely to be long.

You’ll have to bear with me I’m afraid..I’d also guess this will get none or very few comments as those meaningful topics[/url] seem to get none..and those bullshit topics[/url] seem to get loads 😛

Anyway, on to life, teeth and gems..I am pretty exhausted now too, I haven’t had enough sleep this week and it’s taking it’s toll, actually I should be asleep now, but well I just felt like posting some of the random swirls of nonsense clouding up my mind. Some people say I’m wise beyond my years, I have no idea…sometimes I feel that way sometimes I dont, you can read what I have to say and form your opinion, you are more than entitled to it.

Onto life…life is strange, when it’s crappy it’s really crappy, seriously..The cliched adage “When it rains it pours” is so true. When it rains it’s fucking torrential, it unleashes the most miserable hell fury possible. When you are down in life most people kick you, tread on you or the most common just act plain apathetic and pass you by like you don’t exist. This is human nature, this is what we’ve evolved into, this is why we’ve become the top of the food chain?

I’m sorry but fuck that it’s bullshit.

People need to start caring about themselves (no not how much money they earn or what car they drive), the people around them and society as a whole..if one of your friends is in trouble, lend some support, give them a friendly face to look at, give them some kind words to digest, be there for them. It doesn’t cost anything but time, don’t underestimate the value of good friends.

I am thankfully fortunate to have a great set of friends who really care for me, who were there for me every day when I needed them and said and did the right things. You all know who you are and I can never thank you enough for that. Suffice to say I’ve had a really shitty time recently, it’s passing over now..mostly thanks to the support I got.

My time is Brunei has give me a lot of space to think, to collect my thoughts to sort my life out and get back on track..To contemplate who I was, who I am now, where I was and where I want to go..I was on some kind of track long ago but I got trapped, I got tunnel vision, I didn’t have any way to escape, I realise that now…*sigh* 20/20 hindsight is a powerfully frustrating and useless thing. Life twists and turns…It’s no good being on the right track if you just sit there and do nothing….as with my post previously, don’t just sit and let your life pass by, don’t let yourself be unhappy to make someone else happy…because at the end of it, ultimately you will both end up unhappy, resenting each other and all fucked up. Don’t take anything for granted, because the next moment it could be gone, everything could be shattered. Appreciate the people around you, thank them for what they do…do something for them without expecting something in return.

This may sound like doom and gloom, but I would like to say whatever you may think, however reserved you may feel..dare to fail, there is nothing worse than not trying at all, you may regret it forever, at least if you try and fail, you know you gave it your all, no regrets, no lingering thoughts, no headfucks. This also boils down to if you are going to do something, do it, don’t hedge your bets just incase, because you want an easy way…following this, if you say you’ll do something, please please do it…words are easy to say, but they mean a lot to some people. Above all if you make a promise, a real true promise, keep it…

Everything is a balance, yin and yang, dark and light, we have to feel pain to enjoy please and all that, it’s all cheesy yet true..there is a balance in the Universe in some strange way, if not it would have self-combused or imploded years ago. There is Karma, although most of the time it doesn’t feel like it, we even somehow believe in it in the west with sayings such as “What goes around comes around“. Most the time life just feels unfair, “Lifes a bitch, then you marry one then you die“..In saying this though, too many people bitch about their lives, moan about menial everyday crap like it’s the end of the fucking world, I’m sorry but get a grip…you don’t know what hardship is, honestly you don’t have the faintest idea..(In saying this I’m not trying to claim that I do, just that I appreciate that I have it pretty good, I don’t have to live in some famine struck part of Africa, fight for water and watch 3 out of my 5 children die before they can walk..)

Sometimes we spiral down, sometimes we float up, I hit a plateau so I tried to change things, I gave up everything familiar and comfortable, everything known and tested, everything safe and secure and I got kicked in the teeth for it. That fucking hurts, it hurts beyond anything I could previously comprehend. I got kicked in the teeth then stamped on..everything else was fine apart from what mattered most..but the clouds have been blown away and the sky is clearing again. I think I was blind, I think I was living a lie…I think I was in love with a memory. One lesson to be learnt, don’t be too soft, to malleable…don’t let memories and dreams cloud reality, don’t let emotion completely control everything..don’t give up your heart and soul for someone or something that doesn’t appreciate it.

Life is strange though, from what I’ve learnt in my few short years when you are on the floor bleeding and crying, with the reminants of your bloody kicked out teeth in your fingers you’ll probably find some kind beautiful diamond amongst the splintered shards of bone..These are the times it makes life seem worth living, during adversity there is always hope, please remember that, there is always hope..don’t ever completely give up. I have been on a long tiring journey, and I have reached my final destination…I have to admit, it’s no where near my expected destination, but nevertheless I am here…and it feels kinda good, I am free again, I am in the driving seat again, no one else is in control apart from me.

All in all I think life is good, life is what you make it, you get what you deserve..if you feel like you are getting a raw deal, take a good look in the mirror and see what YOU are doing about it. Thanks to those who chased the clouds away, thanks to those who helped me up when I was faltering…and thanks to you for putting me back on my feet. I am back, and I am good…life is a learning experience and we all have a past, it makes us who we are. I am glad who I am, even though ever since a young age it’s hurt like shit to get here..Maybe another day I’ll post something else like this, if anyone cares, if not I’ll probably post it anyway as it’s good to get it out. At the end of it all I hope to learn from my mistakes, but it’s easier to learn from others, so please learn from mine and at least try and digest what I’ve written.

I feel like I have to put the world to rights it’s getting pretty fucked up, look out for topics about religion, politics, malaysia, corruption, fat people and Americans..

This was truly philosophical pseudo-emotional wandering, Shaolin style. Disover thyself, it’s important. Big love to everyone.