Food Poisoning

One day not very long ago (Last Sunday) in a universe very similar to this one, there was a young (well not so young any more..) man wondering around Mid Valley & Gardens.

He had just had a rather sumptuous lunch at Sushi Zanmai with his girlfriend and was browsing the fairly epic beer selection in the Cold Storage alcohol section. Whilst perusing some tasty beverages he felt the sudden warm wet swelling shooting down his ass-pipe that signaled it was imminently going to explode into his underpants.

“Blarghgh wahhhhhhhhhhh” was probably what he sounded like when he motioned to his gf that he need to go to the toilet…rather quickly. He then dashed upstairs to find himself confronted with the ‘premium toilet’ which cost the rather princely sum of RM5 to enter.

Faced with the quandary of continuing up another floor to use the free, possibly busy, possibly dirty, possibly lacking toilet paper lavatory or to pay up the RM5 and use the premium facilities. Of course tossed RM5 to the guy at the counter and rapidly shuffled into the WC.

You know what I mean by shuffled right? When you’re faced with the uncertainty of a recent fart having a possible wet consequence – so you keep your butt checks squeezed together tighter than Kim Kardashian’s best friends in a push up bra.

After a reasonably explosive incident in the toilet, and a good read of Twitter…the not so young man ventured out feeling much better and oh how he wished the story ended there. After all living in the country we do and eating the various types of nonsense we eat, it’s very normal to have the odd bout of lau sai/cirit birit/diarrhea.

But sadly, this turned out to be much much worse than that.

After heading home the hershey chocolate sauce continued to flow, and it just got worse. I think there are various stages of diarrhea – something like this:

1) Part Solid & Part a little bit soft with a touch of gas (very mild)
2) A little bit solid with more softage (mild)
3) Mostly soft (mild-medium)
4) More liquidy with a bit of backsplash (medium)
5) Totally liquid with a good squirt of gas to spray it out (medium-bad)
6) Totally liquid and sprays out like you’re peeing from your arse (bad)
7) Unknown volcanic substance that sprays out with such ferocity you can feel the backsplash and it coats the underside of the seat (apocalyptic)

He started off straight at about stage 5, after reaching home he was at a constant 7 – which rather disrupted his viewing of Crank with his gf.

At this point, the poor fella also started feeling nauseous…which is a bad sign as it means there’s something really toxic in your stomach and it’s mostly likely trying to find its way out. After completing the movie, he went to the toilet to vomit.

He vomited.

He still felt like dying and sadly still felt nauseous, the first round puking was mostly liquid (100+ to be specific, the classic Malaysian medicine for a bad stomach) and some random orange stuff.

In-between vomiting and spraying toxic liquid from his butt his tried to get some rest on the sofa. After about 20-minutes he starting feeling MUCH more naseous, which is bad as if there’s one thing this fella really hates in this World – it’s puking. He hates it with a vengeance.

But he was still ok lying down on the sofa, although he was feeling rather cold and shivering…but at the same time having some kinda clammy sweats. Not very pleasant to be honest.

Another 5 minutes past and a rapid fire succession of burps starting flying up through his esophagus….this is a warning sign for an impending technicolor yawn.

Throwing off his blanket, vaulting off the sofa and sprinting to the bathroom he just made it to the bathroom door before the projectile vomit starting spewing from his mouth – it hammered against the shower door before he managed to get into the ‘praying to the porcelain god’ position.

It wasn’t a pretty sight, with undigested peaces of seaweed from the soft-shelled crab temaki he’d eaten just a few hours before – which could well have been the culprit for the whole incident..or not.

And well that was just the first wave, it was relentless like being punched in the stomach by Brock Lesnar over and over again.

And it just kept coming, and coming and coming and coming and well you get the picture.

The force was so intense and violent that it ended up rupturing the blood vessels in his nose and rendering him with bloodshot eyes.

After that epic spew, he did indeed feel better..but exhausted – man that surely does knock the wind out of you.

There was a few more dribbly deposits, then a session of passing out around 2am only to awake again at 6am to expel more ass-spew – then fitful sleep again for the rest of the day.

Upon waking it was time to adopt the strict healing regime – charcoal pills, oral re-hydration salts, 100+ and perhaps if the desire arose some plain bread buns.

By evening time, things were looking better – a good shower, a little bread and plenty of fluids make a man feel a whole lot better. The lack of food certainly is tiring though and the rest of that day and the next were spent resting and eating a single lonesome McDonald’s Bubur Ayam.

The following days diet was similar; charcoal pills, 100+ mixed with water and bread – oh and the joy – it was a public holiday. Holidays of course are meant for consuming epic quantities of awesome food.

But not for this poor chap.

And then it was Thursday and back to work.

The End.

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26 Responses to Food Poisoning

  1. michellezyenn November 18, 2010 at 3:50 pm #

    Poor thing you. Thanks for you detailed description of the different stages of diarrhea :S

  2. Reta November 18, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

    I totallyyyy skippedd a lot of.. scenes.

  3. suanie November 18, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    That was both disgusting and fascinating at the same time.

  4. Robb November 18, 2010 at 3:57 pm #

    I don’t like to laugh at ppl’s misfortunes but the way you pen it down is just hilarious. Sorry for LOL’ing a few times.

    Food poisoning is not funny, but you my ang moh friend, is. LOL

  5. lightyoruichi November 18, 2010 at 4:02 pm #

    Dude you just described a simple “I had a bad case of diarrhea” into a 994 word essay.

  6. kimberlycun November 18, 2010 at 4:05 pm #

    RM5 for a toilet, it was that bad huh? lol

  7. naz November 18, 2010 at 4:18 pm #

    all the way to stage 7? owh… crap!

  8. Kaminski November 18, 2010 at 4:50 pm #

    Reading that story had me in stitches, the descriptive manner was/is totally true. I was in Ghana in the 90’s and was attending a dinner special for special guests, the very top brass from Shell were there.
    I know what you went through as I have also experienced the same shit, pardon the pun.
    After eating local Ghanaian delights and swilling it down with local super strong and wildly different levels of alcohol levels per bottle of beer, my stomach grimaced, as though I had been punched,and as you say, made a dash to the toilet at my place on the camp..made it in the main door, made it into the bathroom, ripped clothing off and then exhausted waste from all three orifices…not pleasant at all. There is no joy in pissing,shitting and vomiting all at the same time!
    Glad you got over it mate…I know people who have spent days in hospital because of severe food poisoning…maybe you and I were lucky!

  9. Tan Yee Hou November 18, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

    AHAHHAHA i can imagine the brown shit coating your white ass!

  10. andymervingeorge November 18, 2010 at 5:28 pm #

    LOL! I knew it that was you! If you thinking of losing weight, I think this mishap must have helped a bit :P. Hope you are much better today! 😛 It sux to blast toilets in shopping malls – dirty and exhaustive!

  11. goldfries November 18, 2010 at 6:09 pm #

    I’m surprised you can write something so elaborate / lengthy over a bad day.

  12. Joe Chia November 18, 2010 at 7:44 pm #

    Stim……~~~~never know diarrhea can be so fantastic story…..
    Wahahaha…..U lucky have it on the Normally public holiday…
    This year Chinese New Year i Spend few hour coz of this diarrea at ipoh specialist Hospital….Painful….Wahahaha…Take Care ST.

    PS: I like the way u explained the splashing thing….Detail…Detail

  13. Serge Norguard November 18, 2010 at 8:15 pm #

    in that same universe, the Porcelain Throne God lifted it’s flap and sang hallelujah for thy offering was plentiful.

  14. KY November 18, 2010 at 8:58 pm #

    my favorite phrase – technicolor yawn. LOL

    brought back the memory of that epic lychee drink at BSD years ago

  15. JD November 18, 2010 at 10:18 pm #

    I hate puking to the max, it’s the worst experience when puking. Hope you are feeling better now ST.

  16. fprot November 19, 2010 at 1:07 pm #

    Not likely the sushi. Food poisoning is 12 hours after the last meal.

    What did you have 12 hours prior to nuking hiroshima ?

  17. Irene November 19, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    haha it’s terrible to laugh but this one cracked me up lol. although i empathise – had a bad case of food-poisoning from bad oysters myself, just few months ago. purging from both end’s really not a pleasant experience, weight-loss or not. hope you’re much better now hahaha.

  18. Jon November 19, 2010 at 11:52 pm #

    Graphic Much!

  19. 93T November 20, 2010 at 3:18 am #

    Well done, mate! Very Tucker Max!! Bravo! Keep yer stories coming, aight? One thing though, I still prefer Kimbo Slice rather than ol’ Brocky.. LOL!

  20. AnthonyKong November 20, 2010 at 8:55 am #

    I’ve never enjoyed so much “shit” before.. this is a good read and its funny the way you describe it. 🙂 Next time go for Gatorade.. it works better than 100+.

  21. ahsiang November 20, 2010 at 9:16 am #

    LOL, nice one. I never know lau sai can be written as good as this!

  22. BY November 20, 2010 at 8:41 pm #

    haha very vivid descrpition. particularly liked stage 7. im sure everyone of us has been through some what a smiliar phase in life unless you’ve been living under a coconut. =P

  23. My Kafkaesque life November 21, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    Alright. I need a break now 😛

  24. dogbone November 22, 2010 at 6:38 pm #

    Normally I’d rather a post were accompanied by pictures. But just this once I am SO glad it wasn’t, heh! The writing was pretty graphic as it is, it almost felt like we were in that stall with you… as wrong as that sounds. 😛

  25. TianChad November 23, 2010 at 2:57 am #

    I had the similar experience but was’t that bad compared to this young man =)
    Glad see him a healthy man again haha

  26. Juan November 25, 2010 at 4:32 pm #

    Lucky there isn’t any picture accompanying the post. Or I would have vomit my food out.. gross 😀